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Getting Older Sucks, Now Add Divorce to That?

Posted By Joy Dryer, Monday, May 2, 2016

September 29, 2015 

My Mom died  3 weeks ago just as Merri Hanson, my co-presenter, and I were finalizing our power point on the GRAYING DIVORCE JOURNEY for the Interdisciplinary Divorce Catalyst Conference in NYC October 1-4.  At 98, Mom couldn’t see well,  or hear well,  and didn’t always know where she was.  Unable to recover from an infection, her Time had come.   But her Timing couldn’t have been more poignant.  Right when Merri and I were discussing how Time is THE crucial  difference between a younger divorcee and the graying divorcee.  The “Grayee” has less Time to live, and that reality fact effects attitude, and feelings, and … well… every other decision.   

WHY DIVORCE NOW? We’ll be talking about how divorcing when you’re older raises more existential issues about what makes a happy and meaningful Life. But why would someone wait until her 60’s, 70’s,  even 80’s to divorce?  Many a Grayee will say s/he wants to make the most of  “what’s left of  her life,” and never mentions dying.   Not every Grayee is consciously aware that Death may be riding through the next town over,  or even loitering on their corner.  Or, who knows? At their door.   But we as professionals need to be aware.   Like Alice falling down the Rabbit Hole,  as we age, relationships and decisions,  regrets and goals, can turn topsy turvey.

UNIQUE MOTIVATORS.  In our two-part workshop on Sat. afternoon Oct 3, Merri and I unbraid some underground meanings of why the number of Graying divorces has skyrocketed  -- 1 in 10 in 1990,  now 1 in 4 in 2010.   We ask: "why divorce now?  at your age?!"  What are the Grayee’s unique motivators?  We define the Narrative Arc in a person’s life.  Divorce is a detour, we propose,  which can be positive or negative.  We as professionals can help make that divorcee’s detour more positive when we understand the developmental tasks we all need to tackle to progress on to the next stage of our lives., and where the Grayee gets stuck.   

WHO IS THE GRAYING DIVORCEE?  We review how attachment and developmental issues shift as we age.  How divorce seems to enter a person’s Narrative Arc  at the juncture where s/he is struggling with specific developmental tasks.   How the awareness of Time Left,  and of one’s mortality, shifts everything.   

IN-TAKE TOOL.  Based on our research,  Merri and I  devised a  “55+” In-take tool which we offer to you in Workshop Part 2.  [You can also download it directly from my website,,  go to the “Resources” page,  then to “Forms”. ]  We worked hard on this tool, pulling together the theoretical ideas we present in Part 1.  The 2 cases put into practice our major point --  that we as professionals can make specific changes so we can better serve this graying population. 

THE END.  And so here I was.  Writing up power point slides about how a Grayee’s divorce journey differs profoundly, existentially, from a younger person’s divorce journey.   Age matters.  Time matters.  Endings matter.  Mom and I had talked about how getting older sucks.  At least, many aspects of ageing are indeed painful.  And so she dies just as I’m writing about all this stuff.   Not only was death on my power point slides, but knocking at my door.  Striding in to my living room -- hood scythe and all.  Striking my consciousness right between my eyeballs.  So I’m powerfully reminded to ask the next Grayee who walks in to my office,  as the Caterpillar asks Alice in her Wonderland:  “Who are youuuuuu?” 

*Joy A. Dryer, Ph.D.  is a Psychologist/Psychoanalyst and Divorce Mediator/ Collaborative Divorce Coach/ Parent Coordinator. She was Adjunct Assoc. Professor in NYU’s Psychology Dept. Masters Program, and now maintains a private practice for over 35 years in NYC and Poughkeepsie, New York.  To make comments, or for more information, contact Dr. Dryer at

Catalyst Conference Workshops Sat.  3 Oct 2015,  Part 1:  1:10- 2:25;  Part 2: 2:30- 3:45 

Presenters: Joy A. Dryer, PhD* and Merri L. Hanson, MA^


^Merri L. Hanson, MA                                              *Joy A. Dryer, Ph.D

Peninsula Mediation & ADR                                     Psychologist/ Psychoanalyst

217 McLaws Circle, Suite 1                                      Divorce Consultant/ Mediator/ Parent Coordinator

Williamsburg, VA   23185                                         92 Remsen St, Ste 1A, Brooklyn Hts,  NY  11201

757.253.7677 office                                                   917-816-8882                                            

Tags:  alice in psycho-socio-biologic wonderland  gray divorce 

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The Future of Divorce: Technology + the Human Touch

Posted By Michelle Crosby, Monday, May 2, 2016

 September 26, 2015

Working in divorce finance is like peeling an onion; every agreement reveals even more sticky layers, and tears. As we peel back more and more conflicts about money, we expose something much greater underneath: a mess of value systems and hidden fears, that often play leading roles in the divorce process. As professionals, we’ve seen those emotions derail many settlements and family relationships, but have often felt powerless to stop it.

So how do we leverage our knowledge to guide clients through those sticky emotions that stand in the way of amicable divorce?  

You guessed it. Technology is changing the way we meet our spouses, how we interact with our community, and now, how we divorce. And it’s changing for the better. Through years of research and data collection, my team and I have created divorce archetypes, or behavioral patterns (and algorithms for determining them), that can help any divorce professional: 

  • map out a path to truly equitable settlements
  • remove a lot of loneliness and fear for clients
  • provide an essential snapshot of the client, relieving the pressure to catch up with an entire relationship history in a one hour session
  • create a symmetry of information between client and professional  

Using Money Archetypes to Reach Financial Settlements 

Every relationship follows a pattern, but understanding what makes people tick isn’t that simple: that pattern is driven by unique human beings, which means that no two are exactly alike. But knowing a client’s archetypes can help divorce professionals customize a divorce; estimate time frame, costs, potential conflict triggers, and tools based on what each partner is going through.

Income Earners bring home the paycheck, providing essential financial capital and a sense of personal identity and fulfillment. As a shadow, many Income Earners don’t have the extra energy for the emotional needs of their spouse, which leads to relationship breakdown.

Income Supporters are the family CEOs, providing the emotional capital that demands softer, more intangible strengths like nurturing and communication. As a shadow, Income Supporters may have a hard time keeping their identity alive outside of being a parent or spouse. During the divorce, they can monetize their tasks to frame spousal support around “fairness.” For a long term plan, they’ll need to reset income earning potential, which requires extra attention.

Money Managers are the family CFOs; they organize the household budget and finances, requiring time and strategic thinking. As a shadow, emotional spending habits may cause some to hoard, overspend, or compensate for feeling out of control.

Money Neutralizers take on non-financial family responsibilities, a divide-and-conquer approach to household tasks. But divorce lifestyle adjustments are especially hard; they’ll need financial education tools, which, added to the grief of a ending a marriage, can make money an even greater hurdle.

Spenders use retail therapy to cope with stress, without worrying too much about money. They value experience and freedom over knit-picking dollars. As a shadow, Spenders may be saddled with debt and shame cycles.

Savers calculate every purchase, and take pride in their thriftiness skills. But Savers can develop a scarcity mindset, triggering stress that isn’t even attached to their actual finances. With a careful balance of tensions, Spenders or Savers often attract each other to achieve balance.


As a lawyer, I was trained to be a linear thinker. But in my experience as a mediator, I’ve learned that true conflict resolution requires more heart strengths, like empathy and patience. But both methodologies are useful, and I believe successful mediation lies in the intersection of High-Tech and High-Touch; that sweet spot where technology can remove inefficiency, but as human beings we’re pushed to hone our empathy, engaged listening, and experience to guide each client with a personal touch.

Tags:  divorce technology  money archetypes 

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Divorce Stress Management Method

Posted By Melissa Dragon, Monday, May 2, 2016

September 26, 2015

In 2005, it became clear to me that my first husband and I were heading towards a divorce.  Our son was only two years old at that time. My husband and I had met in law school and started a law firm together, which we had co-operated over the course of several years.  Even though my legal practice was devoted to divorce litigation, facing the prospect of my own divorce suddenly paralyzed me with stress and fear.  

Divorce stress is medically documented to cause lack of focus, chronic anxiety, worry, insomnia, weight gain, heart disease and a weakened immune system.  In short, the stress from a divorce wears a person down; and while I knew it on a professional level, I was now experiencing it first hand.  

In my darkest hours, I found myself sitting on my laundry room floor, knees pulled up against my chest while I wondered: "How will I get myself up off this floor to face the train wreck that I have made out of my life?"  During this time of divorce transition, I meditated, exercised in nature (hiking/skiing) and learned to engage in creative visualization to map out a positive future.  I also learned to take full ownership of how my choices and behavior perpetuated the divorce conflict with my husband.  

As the approach I took proved helpful in getting me off the laundry room floor, amicably resolving my divorce and salvaging a friendship with my ex who supports a positive co-parenting relationship for our son, I realized I had done something unique. This lead me to write my book, "Divorce the Drama", aimed at teaching my effective methodology for divorce stress management, which became my opportunity to share the "secret" to my success.  

As professionals working with clients who are stressed and unfocused due to divorce, we can use the Divorce The Drama (DTD) methodology to help teach them how to better manage stress while shifting their focus from negative to positive.  

The DTD methodology teaches:

1) Self awareness

2) Benefit of a 'Drama Detox' where you get space from your ex and rebuild emotional independence

3) Promotes positive creative visualization that leads to empowerment and an improved sense of self and purpose.  

The DTD methodology encourages the client to pivot their focus and shift their energy from negative to positive when speaking of future outcomes.  This shift is immensely empowering and stress reducing as it enlists the client to actively focus on attracting what they want for themselves, reduces indecision, anxiety, and worry in this present moment.  The result is a client who can productively help his/her legal counsel to help them get them through the divorce process successfully.

Learn more about the DTD methodology in my presentation at the Interdisciplinary Divorce Catalyst Conference October 1-4, 2015.

About: Melissa Sindeband Dragon, Esquire

As the founder of the first holistic family law practice in Massachusetts, Melissa serves as strategic visionary and chief litigator. Melissa uses her legal talent as an advocate to help empower men and women at difficult crossroads in their lives in order to bring them closer to financial independence and emotional tranquility. She brings to bear considerable litigation and negotiation skills to obtain the most favorable results possible for her clients.

Beyond the legal work she does for clients, Melissa also pays close attention to the emotional challenges that clients and in some cases, their children, face. She applies her extensive experience whenever possible or appropriate to ensure her client’s health and safety throughout the process.

Melissa recognizes that while almost any attorney can calculate an equitable property division or support order; compassionate understanding and encouraging support can make a real difference in how a client is able to manage the chaos and emotional stress divorce can bring to their life and the lives of those they love. In the past, she has called upon such resources as a divorce support group in the client’s local area, as well as a financial advisor, therapist, mortgage originator and/or nutritionist.

Follow Melissa on Twitter @DivorceTheDrama

LinkedIn: Melissa Sindeband Dragon

Tags:  divorce stress management  divorce the drama  DTD methodology 

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Legal, Ethical and Risk Management Issues in Interdisciplinary Approaches to Dispute Resolution

Posted By Lisa Pomerantz, Monday, May 2, 2016

 August 12, 2015

I am so looking forward to exploring legal, ethical and risk management issues in interdisciplinary approaches to conflict management at my session at the Catalyst Conference.  Many of us recognize that conflicts, whether in the family, business or workplace setting, have emotional, legal and financial aspects so that the disputants are often best served by a team of professionals with different kinds or expertise.  At the same time, there are numerous (and often unrecognized) constraints on how these professionals can structure their collaborative arrangements and client engagements, whether they are acting as advocates, neutrals or experts. The availability and sufficiency of insurance coverage for any claims arising from these collaborative arrangements is also an issue.

If you have specific topics you would like to see addressed in my session, please let me know!

Tags:  2015 divorce catalyst conference  interdisciplinary approaches  legal ethical and risk management issues 

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Money Talks: The Psychology of Money and Divorce Finances

Posted By Abby Rosmarin, Monday, May 2, 2016

July 28, 2015

The programming for the Catalyst Conference is 2015 is now posted on line at
As I prepare for my contribution to this conference, Money Talks: The Psychology of Money and Divorce Finances, I am reminded of the conference mission: to integrate divorce professionals to achieve exceptional results.
I am a family mediator and will be presenting with two colleagues – Ivy Menchel, a certified divorce financial analyst /certified financial planner and Kathleen Donelli, a matrimonial attorney. We also participate on teams in the Collaborative process.
In the cross pollination of ideas, as we bring our distinct professional skills, we are creating a modern day florilegium.  We endeavor to combine all our resources to best help clients with oft times the most emotionally laden factor of a divorce or separation: the financial picture.
We all know that a financial settlement is more than just an allocation of hard currency.  How we value ourselves, what we believe is possible for us to have or experience in life is often reflected in our relationship with money. We each have a story, a personal blueprint that shapes our perceptions and filters our understanding of others and ourselves. This story may change over time, combining and recombining with other stories and creating new memories of the past, the basis of plans in the present, and inspirations for the future.
While some of us may live in alignment with our actual funds, needs, and expectations, it’s likely that we all have experienced stress around money.  It is hard to imagine that our clients, going through a transformative time of change would also not be experiencing stress.
As practitioners, in order for us to have effective conversations with our clients about finances, we first must gain some personal awareness. With this insight framing our discussion, we can more aptly explore with them -- whether we are the mediator facilitating the creation of an informed agreement, or the therapist focusing beliefs, emotions, self-sabotaging behaviors, and coping mechanisms, or the financial advisor focusing on budget and cash flow, or the attorney focusing on legal rights and responsibilities. 
We must also consider how our clients’ attitudes may differ from a spouse, and whether our own relationship with money is creating a barrier. Employing a broader vision, we can then focus on techniques to help clients make necessary financial decisions.
Join us as we examine with you the psychology of money and divorce finances.
Abby Rosmarin is Mediation Counsel at the law firm McCarthy Fingar, LLP. She is also a divorce coach in the Collaborative process. Abby is an attorney and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She is co- chair of the Westchester Woman’s Bar Association Mediation Committee and the Executive Director of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals.

Tags:  catalyst conference  psychology of money and divorce finances 

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Social Media and Divorce

Posted By Henry Gornbein, Monday, May 2, 2016

 July 7, 2015

Every day I think I have heard it all and then there will be a new issue involving social media issues and my divorce clients.  We now call e-mail e for evidence.

Following are some of my thoughts about this critical issue that impacts upon everyone who deals with divorce, whether as an attorney, certified divorce financial planner, mediator or therapist.

1. The internet is a major source of addiction.
2.  People are more dishonest online than they are in face to face relationships because it is easier to lie when you have some anonymity.
3.  Many affairs begin online through Facebook and other social media sites.  I have had clients reconnect with old high school sweethearts and literally move across the country in the middle of a divorce.  In one case, a mother abandoned her children and my client, the father, then got full custody of their three children.
4.  The internet is a major source for pornography.  X-rated websites are everywhere.
5.  People can become addicted to online games.  I have had cases where children have dropped out of school due to addiction to online games.
6.  The internet is a source for day trading and many couples have lost their life savings.
7.  Gambling online is another significant factor that has resulted in numerous divorces.
8.  There is a lot of stalking and bullying online.
9.  It is easy to access drugs, both prescription and illegal, online.  Recently the owner of a site called the Silk Road was sentenced to life in prison for dealing in narcotics through this very successful site.
10. People spend thousands of dollars shopping online.  Press a key and the new item is yours!
11. You can be anyone you want to be online.  It is easy to be deceptive.  I had a client who ran off to England for another man and was in reality duped by a Nigerian scam where she lost thousands of dollars in marital funds.

I would like to now provide some advice I give to my clients about the dangers and pitfalls of the internet and social media.

1.  Do not post messages or photos on Facebook or other sites that can come back to haunt you.
2.  Think twice before participating in intimate photos or videos at any time.  Recently people running revenge porn sites have been sentenced to long prison terms.
3.  Be careful what you say in emails and texts.  They can be used against you as evidence in a divorce.
4.  If you post at all, be discreet.  Think before you post.
5.  Monitor your children.  Children’s access to computers can become a major issue.  I have a case where my client’s young daughters have been exposed to pornography when left unattended by their father who left them with his girlfriend’s eleven year old daughter.
6.  Deleted does not mean gone.  There is always a permanent record of your emails and other postings.  This is where forensic experts can become so important in a divorce action.

This blog just touches the surface of these important issues.  I have done webinars on this critical topic as well as lecturing on what is legal and illegal in the digital world.  Please share your thoughts with me.

Tags:  certified divorce financial planners  facebook  forensic experts  social media 

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Why Retain a Forensic Accountant/Business Valuator Early in the Divorce Process?

Posted By Michael Gould, Monday, May 2, 2016

 July 2, 2015

This is just one of the many topics we will be discussing at my session at the Interdisciplinary Catalyst Conference on October 3, 2015 at 4:15PM (  I just completed an assignment as a neutral financial expert and business valuator in a divorce for a couple who had been separated for many years prior to the filing of the complaint for divorce. They did not heed this advice! 

The parties were co-owners of several businesses that needed to be valued.  The valuation process was the easiest part of this disaster!  As you know, emotions very often take over once the complaint is filed and the end of the marriage is in sight.  Well, the couple accused each other of all types of financial wrong doings during the separation years.  The biggest mistake was not involving a financial expert prior to or shortly after the separation to set out how the Companies' ongoing finances and operations were going to be handled and how they eventually would be split up.  In addition, no agreements were made regarding the equitable distribution of retirement accounts, life insurance policies, responsibility for income taxes (the parties filed joint income tax returns during the separation period), or personal perquisites that were being paid from the Companies' funds.  By the way, of course, only one party continued to manage the Companies while the other party got on with their life and moved out of the area. Because they did not retain a financial expert at the outset, they were not even aware of the many issues that eventually would have to be addressed!

So what happened?  The equitable distribution of retirement accounts became a massive analysis as each had their own accounts and all went into payment status during the separation.  To figure out who was owed what required thousands of dollars of professional time and the subpoena of years of bank and brokerage statements.  Next, the analysis of who owed what income taxes was another complex issue as distributions were sometimes taken from the Companies to pay taxes and some years had balances due and some had refunds.  So the spouse who was not in charge of the tax preparation claimed that they were cheated out of the refunds.  Another extensive analysis was required.

Then as emotions continued to escalate, the perquisites taken from the Companies came up.  More forensic accountings of many years of documents that had to be subpoenaed from banks resulted in more professional fees.  I could go on for pages of other issues that could have been handled years before if the financial expert was involved at the outset.

Unraveling the financial issues in this matter involved tens of thousands of dollars of additional professional fees over what would have been incurred if the parties retained a financial expert when they decided to separate.  The appropriate expression is "Pay me now or pay me more later."  I guess the one good thing about this case is that both parties lived to actually get divorced.  Can you imagine the litigation that would have ensued over the estate by heirs from different marriages and relationships that developed during the separation years?  Yes, there were children from different marriages and relationships, just to add a little more drama!

I am honored and excited to have been chosen to present at the Interdisciplinary Catalyst Conference in October.  We will be discussing many topics from business valuations to difficult equitable distribution issues and their income tax implications.

I look forward to meeting you and please bring your questions!  If you would like to submit questions in advance of the session, my e-mail address is

Tags:  businessed valuator  divorce catalyst conference  forensic accoutant  interdisciplinary catalyst conference  neutral financial expert 

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Same-Sex Divorce - Why Mediation Will Be the Norm

Posted By Nancy Hetrick, Monday, May 2, 2016

As you know, Friday, June 25th, the United States Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling making same-sex marriage the law of the land and you know what that means, don’t you? Same-sex divorce!  Our jobs just go a lot more difficult.

June 30, 2015 

There are so many issues that will be soon confronting us that it’s difficult to even comprehend them all! Like what? Oh, let’s just play a little what-if.

So let’s say Jill and Jane have been a committed couple living in the same home for 15 years, since 2000.  In 2005, Jane gave birth to a baby born via artificial insemination of donor sperm, let’s call her Judy. In 2013, the couple moves to Arizona where their marriage is not recognized until October of 2014.

Now, let’s hop forward a few years to 2017 when Judy is now 12 years old, Jill and Jane decide to call it quits and get a divorce. The fact that they have to divorce is given since their marriage is now recognized. BUT – when did the marital community begin? 2000? 2014? Or not until 2015 with the Supreme Court decision? Oh wait, what if they filed a domestic partnership in Washington sSate in 2007? Does that change things? And just for fun, let’s throw another little twist in. Jane has stayed home with Judy for the last 12 years and Jill is the only income earner.

You see where I’m going with this right? Just because same-sex marriage is now legal does NOT mean they’ve addressed all the complications that go along with it. And in my view, this means that when same-sex couples desire to divorce – and they will – their undoubtedly best option will be a mediated settlement since they will have very few legal precedents for guidance.

There will be the pioneers with lots of money at stake that will forge the way through the courts to fight for their rights but this process will take years, no doubt.  As professionals in this field, our guidance and advice will be critical. I suspect that these couples, after living their lives having to compromise and sacrifice, will be far more likely to choose mediation anyway. They really just want fairness. I would suspect they’ll strive for fairness in divorce also. I plan to be available to help them figure it out.

Tags:  same sex divorce  same sex marriage  same sex mediation 

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Gender and Multi-Cultural Divorce

Posted By Karen Sparks, Monday, May 2, 2016

 June 24 , 2015

The task of educating our clients about the various financial strategies that intersect with their assets and investments is at the root of our practice as divorce financial planners. But often the barriers to this process are steeped in gender attitudes and cultural  history regarding marriage and divorce. This has become particularly relevant to my practice as I continue to see more client work with individuals who hail from cultures that do not embrace or endorse changes to the marital relationship and their life here in the United States has shown them that they do have options.

At this year’s ADFP Catalyst conference held in conjunction with The Center for Mediation and Training, I will be leading a workshop in the morning on Friday, October 2, 2015 entitled, “The Great Divide: How Gender and Culture Affect the Divorce Process” which addresses how cultural norms and gender cognitive processes impact divorce financial planning.

Through video presentations and case study, we will take a look at how the data quantifies the way men and women from different cultures approach marriage and divorce. Strategies and practical applications will be discussed on how to approach gender and culture in our client engagements that will assist in breaking down barriers to negotiation.

A key take away will be the importance of understanding how other influences shape client thoughts and expectations and how we can use this realization to inform our divorce financial planning work in a way that is respectful, sensitive and focused.

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to engage in this workshop and many other workshop topics that will definitely benefit your practice!

Check your email and/or the ADFP website to take advantage of very attractive early bird pricing for conference registration as well as discounted hotel room pricing.

Hope to see you there!

Tags:  culture  divorce  finance  gender 

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What the Heck has Conciliation Got to Do with Divorce?

Posted By William Levine, Wednesday, April 20, 2016

June 17, 2015 - 11:42

No, it's not reconciliation, as in, let's stay married (though that can happen).
It's not "let's reconcile the accounts" so we'll stop fighting about your spending (which never hurts).
And, it's not placating an angry or menacing person (at least not without reason).

Divorce conciliaation is an active form of divorce mediation that demands and exploits the technical skills and knowledge of amatrimonial arbitrator and the people and process skills of a mediator with sensible advocacy, lots of  professional input, information and evaluation of facts, prospects and outcomes.  It begins with an exploration of a court case, with all of its legal, psychological and financial complexities, and proceeds to intense discussion of how to do better for the re-shaped family than what a court might do (and may be permitted to do by law), while dirving towards the best overall economic outcome.

I will be presenting at the Divorce Catalyst Conference on October 2, 2015 at 2:00 p.m., with lots of materials about the methodology that I use in providing conciliation and other “hybrid" services to divorcing couples and their lawyers, in Greater Boston at Levine Dispute Resolution Center LLC (  After 33 years of practicing family law as a negotiation, trial and appellate advocate (30 in private divorce litigation practice), my wife Chouteau Levine (a retired Massachusetts Probate and Family Court judge) and I have been delivering purely "neutral services" in family and probate cases for almost 4 years, including mediation. arbitration, master work, and conciliation services.

When clients are either disinclined to actively negotiate based on refined "interests," in isolation from what awaits them in court -- their BATNA -- they sometimes need an objective, evaluative facilitator with a strong hand and steady eye, to assist them in weighing their options in relation to what may actually happen in court.  That's where we come in.

So what has that got to do with financial professionals?  The answer is “plenty."  I will talk about the role of valuation experts, forensics practitioners, financial planners, economists, vocational experts and tax preparers in this information-rich process, where adjunct professionals are welcomed, treated with respect and gratitude for their expertise, and not, as so often is the case in divorce litigation, cross-fire.

I hope to see you there and that you will introduce yourself.

Tags:  arbitration  Boston  divorce catalyst conference  divorce conciliation  divorce mediation  Levine Dispute Resolution Center  master work  neutral  William Levine 

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